Write it out and post it.
Report things to whoever who's willing to listen, about what exactly happened to me during the past year from last august to now, to those people who knew the me at first, then the changed disgusting, infamous me, and why I did the things I did.
Let me clarify myself first. I am not trying to make excuses for what I did, because if I knew a person like me back then, I would run away in the opposite direction.
However, there is some medical truth in what I’m saying. I was contracted with Bipolar Disorder and have been seeing a psychiatrist since last August. For the benefit of those people who don't understand,
Bipolar Disorder = Mania + Depression.
I had severe depression starting from last August;
severe mania mostly this year;
and then back to severe depression this July/Aug - Mid Sep.
I'm sure you all know what severe depression means. I was very depressed, stayed at home, didn't eat and sleep well. In fact, I was very suicidal. I wanted to die everyday. I guess, this is the part of me that many people didn't see, and it happened twice.
What many people saw, was severely manic me. Mania means hyper everything.
"Mania is a severe medical condition characterized by extremely elevated mood, energy, and unusual thought patterns." (from wikipedia)
"Classic symptoms include rapid speech, racing thoughts, decreased need for sleep, hypersexuality, euphoria, grandiosity, and increased interest in goal-directed activities." (from wikipedia)
I changed from this (Joyce):
to this(“Jacqueline”):
I became cocky, hypersexual, clubbed like no tomorrow, picked up smoking, heavy drinking. My mania was so serious that I was even hospitalized twice.
Also, I did many, many, many things I'm not proud of. I put everyone around me in total extreme agony and suffering, especially those who cared for me, including my parents, and my then, so-called, "girlfriend", K. Girlfriend with the " " because now that I'm recovered am back to normal, I don't think I deserve to call her that at all.
All these while, while I had severe mania, K stood by me, going through all the drama, helping my family help me recover. She gave me all the love she could, but during our monogamous dating-probation, I cheated on her. And worse still, not just once. I slept with different girls. When she found out about it, she finally left me on 14th July.
I can say that I've made the greatest mistakes of my life this year. Cheating, sleeping around, flirting, clubbing, smoking, drinking, etc etc.
I owe K and my parents too, too, much. However I can't, and don't want to blame it entirely on severe mania. All of this is 999% entirely my fault.
After K broke up with me, and after my school started, I sank back into severe depression. I was so suicidal that my psychiatrist had to put me through ECT- Electroconvulsive therapy -
"Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), also known as electroshock, is a controversial psychiatric treatment in which seizures are induced with electricity for therapeutic effect. Today, ECT is most often used as a treatment for severe major depression which has not responded to other treatment, and is also used in the treatment of mania, catatonia, schizophrenia and other disorders." (from wikipedia)
and unfortunately,
"Certain types of ECT have been shown to cause persistent memory loss." (from wikipedia)
Now that I've gone through 4 electroshocks to my brain, I'm almost recovered. Although I lost some of my memory, I know what I'm doing or saying now.
I have totally quitted clubbing, heavy drinking, smoking, and sleeping around.
In fact, I'm back to the me when I was in JC, someone who just wants to settle down be it in my studies, work, or relationships, be it with my family, friends, or in love.
I'm not afraid of you judging my past, because I don't want to be a coward by fabricating lies about all my disgusting misdoings.
I don't deserve K at all. She deserves to be with someone better, no matter how cliché this sounds.
Last but not least, like I said, I lost some of my memory. So:
1. I'm terribly sorry if I don't remember our past memories or moments spent together;
2. I terribly sorry if I don't remember who you are as a friend, or go "you are?" when you say hi to me, because I really lost quite a portion of my memory
3. I'm terribly sorry if I forgot how I offended you in the past. I know I was a horrible person in my manic stage.
I really do, now that I'm recovered, believe it or not.
Alright that's about it. I've said my piece. Haters of mine, if you want to continue hating me, I am alright with it. I am prepared to bear the consequences.
The others, if you're willing to give me a chance and know the recovered me all over again, I'm always here.
Thank you taking time out to read this.
Take care.
